It has been awhile since I have posted to the blog! I have unknowingly focused a lot of energy on going through “the stages”… The first stage was morning sickness and fatigue, which made me feel at times kind of useless and depressed. The second and third stages have been alternating back and fourth! One stage is nesting and the other is figuring out my “work life”. I knew my focus was off centered due to the emotions of pregnancy but I didn’t realize how common this is for a lot of people and that I am not some exception!
After we got home from vacation, my husband probably thought I was crazy for how fast I put the nursery together! Now, I keep saying all the old furniture needs painting and it should get done before the baby is born. Oh and there is the constant anxiety over the fact I don’t have a concrete job, I will be a new mom, and have no idea where Uncle Sam is sending us after Elena is born. It is hard to be going through something so natural, all while crossing new territory. To not have a visual of what my life will look when Elena is potentially only 4 to 8 weeks old is lets just say… stressful!
I have focused constant energy on Etsy, trying to build my online inventory, hoping that this would help pick things up for the shop. I only recently realized I am not sure if that is what my time should be put towards. I needed a goal to latch onto the past few weeks hoping it would give me some peace. If anything though, I have realized this has just created more stress. There are so many things I love in this life. I love to draw, I love bridal, I love to sew, I love to be active, I love to write, I love to learn people’s stories, I love to bake, and so much more… but this does not mean I am meant to create a career out of everything I love.
The other day I discovered a podcast called Totally Mommy. The main host of the show is a new mom and she mentioned she has been going through “the stages”. She has a fear she might loose herself or become “just a mom”. No one who is a mother will ever be “just a mom” though, and this is something I have been realizing. Whether if you work or you are a homemaker, as individuals we have hobbies, passions, and characteristics that set us apart from one another. The host was interviewing another woman who manages to be a mom while having a steadfast career. She mentioned that no matter how well her career has taken off, the biggest accomplishment is bringing her babies into the world. I want to believe that is true and I think the bigger part of my heart truly does, but it has been a slow 5+ months of coming to these realizations. Now, I am trying to embrace and accept the possibilities of being a stay at home mom, while also trying not to get caught up in the feeling of a changing identity!
My husband and I went to a Bible study the other day. We weren’t sure what to expect since we had never gone to the group before. Everyone was so welcoming and the host gave a warm speech after dinner. He said “We may tell ourselves our priorities are faith, family, and work, but are we really living that way?” I realized even though I do not have a job right now, the thought that I should be working, be better, be more successful, has been haunting my mind. That stress has been taking precious space, the space where faith and family should reside.
So for the next 3+ months I plan to put most of my energy into connecting with my faith again. Thanking God for what he has blessed us with and praying for the future that I cannot see. I plan to focus on how to be a great mother by reading cheesy books, preparing for labor, and finding peace in this new woman I am becoming.
In the end, I am not sure who I will become in this life,
But I do know I will be a mom
And I can’t wait for that day.